Today I stumbled upon a video of mature women sharing their life regrets and things they would do differently if they were given their youthfulness back. I was particularly dazzled by this woman who got me really keen on her life’s one regret. She shared that if she were to go back in time she would make a To don’t do list instead of a To-do list.
That made me ponder on how many things one would miss just by creating additional unnecessary pressure so I decided to make my own To don’t do list and here it goes (So far):
1/ Don’t overthink: Be more present and enjoy every aspect of life. Everything happens for a reason and the pieces of the puzzle eventually come together.
2/ Don’t try to please everybody: some people are just insatiable and will engulf the energy and life out of you for it.
3/ Don’t reach for perfection: You are not perfect, nobody is and nobody will ever be. You are doing the best you can do and that is more than enough.
4/ Don’t dismiss your wellbeing: To put it simply, you are the only person who cares enough about your happiness to do something about it so go and do whatever makes you whole.
How pointless does this phrase sound when deep inside you feel like a stranger everywhere?
What are the rules for designating a place as a home or were there ever any to begin with? Is it the place we were born? raised? lived most of our life? Is it where our parents/family and friends reside? Or is home everywhere or wherever we actually are?
I have heaps of reservations about this…
More questions baffle my pondering mind..what does it take? How long does it take to feel like home? Is this one of those things people have an epiphany about? Is there a distinct moment in our life or perhaps throughout the day when we say to ourselves ‘yes this is home’?
I reckon there will always be circumstances where we will realise that we are in fact total strangers or we will encounter that one person (or people) who will go out of their way to remind us that we do not belong in there.
I wonder if I have ever made anybody feel that way?
I know..this seems like one of those hype words that everybody is throwing left and right these days. I felt the same way hearing it the first time and each time after that and reading every article I came across online or listening to every podcast available out there. I even thought it was a cult-like movement until I really gave it a go.
Yes I gave it a go..
The mere idea sounded ludicrous. I tried to follow the so simple instructions: Walking down the street, I look at the sky it’s bright and blue with scattered clouds. Then that thought got quickly highjacked by million others and I could instantly feel my cortisol level rising so I gather my senses again and check the trees along the sidewalk .. Wow.. what a beautiful colour, brown with pink tinges… Soon enough, my anxiety kicks back in again with even more irksome thoughts throwing me utterly off of my peaceful endeavour. Now I feel angry and exasperated at myself and this restless brain of mine. I think to myself that’s it I’ve had enough, I’ve done enough thinking and overthinking and this has to stop, at least for an instant.
3.2.1 here we go. Notice the birds of different colours chirping on the trees’ branches..another unpleasant thought spans my mind… no.. 3.2.1. that smell of freshly cut grass invades my nostrils, the air is clean and refreshing, I feel light and elevated as if my feet stopped touching the ground…
That is all you need to hear today. Sometimes that is all we need to keep going. Life gets arduous and unbearable sometimes but today, just for a second let your brain assimilate these words:
you’re good enough you’re smart enough you’re right where you should be at this point of time your life will get substantially better soon you are stronger than you let yourself believe … Just breathe deeply and know … EVERYTHING WILL BE OK
Do you have a mantra to get you through hardships?
I used to have a friend whose memorable line was “who gives a s***?!”. We used to pull her leg for saying that every time, all the time. We were always finishing her sentences for her because we knew what the end line would be… who gives a s***?!.
Fast forward, years later, I lost sight of this friend but that line kept haunting me. Little did I know that her famous catchphrase would come to my rescue during hard times.
Everything matters intensely and completely when you are an introvert empath. You care exceedingly about things, each detail, each event. You care about what people think of you, how they perceive you. You obsess over people liking you and you don’t want to disappoint anybody. You do anything and everything to keep things noiseless and everyone happy at the expense of your own happiness.
I realised -late but still- that taking things too personally and to heart is inducing me but pain and sorrow. In my pursuit of Mindfulness, I learned that it helps to utilise a positive mantra for every day so my first thought was my friend’s catchphrase.
Now, whenever I find myself in an uncontrollable situation I brandish “Who gives a s***” and it feels like blemishing a scar. I found it to be even better said out loud.
I saw this billboard down the street today that said :
“Sometimes you have to lose your shit or you’ll end up full of shit”
That made me smile at first and then it sunk in with me and all of a sudden I could relate to every level of that statement.
I have spent my entire life wearing a nice-person mask on my face in all circumstances. I never wanted to hurt anybody even when I was drowning in frustration, irritation or annoyance. My defence mechanism has always been to withdraw away from people to shun any confrontation or dispute but also to make sure nobody despises me. I still remember so many incidents where I easily could (should) have snapped hard but instead I exhibited an upright face, kept my composure and bottled it all inside.
With time and wiseness, I am realizing that this is not healthy, everybody knows so and I should have known too. It affected my mental health for so many years without ever having the courage to do anything about it.
Bottom line, for the sake of your sanity, instead of keeping your shit together you should lose it more often.
I have been going through some emotionally hard times recently where most of my days I was submerged with the feeling of being stuck in life. After doing some research on how to get out of it I was confronted with two parties :
Embracing the negative feelings:
Some people seem to think that the best way to deal with depression and/or any negative emotion is to surrender and accept it. These people think that upholding it is similar to swimming against the current, that you will only strain yourself and ultimately lose the fight.
Fight the feeling:
Other people believe that having negative feelings is a consequence of altered perspective or wrong attitude, and by shifting our viewpoints we can somehow turn down and cancel any unwelcome feelings.
I have given this much consideration and still have no clue which way to take, which option works best or if the magical potion is a combination of the two. I have been trying the 2nd way for some time now but only because the 1st one was not an option since I am in a situation where surrendering to my depression and anxiety is a luxury I cannot afford right now. It could be that I am coming at it the wrong way but I can say that fighting against depression feels an awful lot like being stuck in quicksand.
Today was one of those days totally ravaged by this monster I call Migraine. Yes, I call it the monster because it defeats me every single time and has made infernal the last couple of years with no real remedy.
No lights, no sounds, nothing moves, everything should sit still until the monster leaves. My head feels as if caught under a steamroller that is going back and forth and not even moving away.
I can take a lot of pain but not a migraine, never a migraine. It is a pain that only people who suffer from it will understand. I am no functional human being when the monster is around.
You know when you are working a 9-5 job 5 days a week and approaching Friday your level of excitement is at its peak because you know that the weekend is around the corner?
I have always loved Friday and Saturday. I often find myself to be more productive during most Fridays compared to the other days. The one day I have always detested is Sunday. Although it is technically still the weekend but I find it can be very monotonous and somehow infinite and gloomy.
It’s Sunday every day,
It has been Sunday every day for the last 5 months, since my unemployment. Waking up to nothingness, spending the entire day reviewing resume and cover letters, hunting for jobs and sending out applications. Analyzing rejection emails and inquiring feedback.
It’s Sunday every day,
And just like that, the days go by packed with boredom. The days seem long-drawn, very long, endless. I wake up in the morning wishing and waiting for the night time so I can go to sleep. I am no longer interested in anything in between.